Hello dears,
I want to discuss indecision and what it means to be multi-passionate in this modern world. Personally, I have been grappling with my sense of identity around my career and various passions for as long as I can remember. As a sweeping prescription, our society has told us to make choices and lots of em'. Choose a school, choose a major, choose a path, etc. I've always held many interests and embraced the richness in all those parts of me, but I eventually felt tremendous pressure to focus on one specific avenue. This being said, I can say with absolute certainty that there isn’t a person out there who fits neatly into one role and identity their entire life whether you consider yourself multi-passionate or not. Many of us find ourselves tethered to the expectation of western society though and most educational pursuits imply that we will be saddled with our steady, stable dream career right out of college and will ideally stay there until retirement or death eventually comes and frees us from the workforce. If this doesn’t scream pressure, I don’t know what does. The pressure can be intense and, at least for me, the pressure became paralyzing.
A little while ago, I felt this paralysis hit me pretty hard. It came at a moment when I felt like all of my big decisions had been made and my life could be signed away at any moment. It happened after grad school. It happened after a serious academic path had been chosen. I felt this strange ache in my soul like there were so many different lives I could be living and so many chances and ways to be happy. I could write, travel, open my own business... anything! For too long, I let myself feel thirsty for all of my options, and so stayed paralyzed. I had and continue to have no clue what the future may hold, but at a point, I had to give myself a say again. I let my intuition speak for a change. So, I gave myself the gift of time and gave up some of my regular working hours to essentially indulge my creative side.
This felt very uncomfortable at first. I didn't know how to talk about or express how I was using this new time. The truth is, it didn't matter how anyone felt bout my career and lifestyle but I ultimately had the ability to craft and present my story however I wanted. I didn't have to tell everyone every little part and parcel of my work. I didn't have to divulge my every idea. What I eventually came to realize is that my creativity isn't linear. It isn't always consistent. It looks different every, single day. I write and create meaningful things some days and total rubbish the next. Sometimes it looks like research or exploring new parts of town with a notebook and a camera. Sometimes I type on my computer at a local coffee shop. Most of the time, I sit on the corner of my sofa in sweatpants! I have secret projects I'm working on now that make me feel like I'm returning back to myself. I have been reading, cooking and baking. I have a home I love and more time to enjoy it. I feel fuller and happier than I've felt in years and it's because I gave myself the freedom to love myself with all of my passions intact. My creativity is a sacred part of me and a sacred center of my work and life. That's the truth.
I trust that these interests exist inside of me for a reason. I recognize that there is terrific power in harnessing my creativity on a daily basis in spite of anything well-meaning on-lookers may believe I should be doing with my time. I know now that it's possible to detach my identity from my career and status. As long as I am surviving and paying my bills, I maintain that agency over myself. I can choose to open myself up to the natural movement of the universe. I can experience seasons of rest, of creativity, of meditative physical labor. Some days, I can bake cookies in my spare time. Other days, I can create political collages or redecorate the bathroom. Every piece of this crazy life can be a testament to my ever-changing, expansive heart and all of its zany interests. I might write books for a season then read for a season. I might open a bakery one day or I might go back to school for my MFA or learn Kundalini yoga. The trick is to remember that you are not more you when you’re an investment banker, lawyer, runner, artist or student. You are the most you when you are aligned with your soul’s desire in the present moment. That’s good news, because you never have to choose or stay idle. You can be whole and fully alive in your multi-passionate being and the greatest decision you can ever make is to honor every strange, unique and messy part. Honor every part and never apologize.